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"Sadly, I can't offer you any advice on getting a girlfriend," Roger said, "what little guidance I can give would be wasted on a catastrophically ugly little fanny-scab like yourself..."
I tried to say something but he silenced me with a raised hand.
"BUT... I can tell you how to get rid of them- if, that is, you manage to defy the laws of nature or find anyone mentally disturbed enough..."
"What?" I asked.
"Stick your finger up her arse," he said.
"Stick my finger up her arse?" I asked.
He nodded, "yeah, right up her arse. Guaranteed she'll be completely out of your life in a second. You'll never see her again and, what's more, you'll never ever get those phonecalls in the middle of the night to tell you her car's broken down and can you come out and fix it?"
"Has it worked for you?" I asked.
"Every time," Roger said, "worked a treat. Out of my life with the minimum of hassle every time... although I did get stabbed once... and there was that time I got thrown off a multi-storey car park..."