You are the Bunty Man

There's a new teacher in the school.
She's very beautiful. All the boys go very quiet when she's around.
I was left alone in class one day after Mr. Bonobo was taken unwell and the
school tried to find someone to fill in.
I hated it when that happened. For some reason, the children always
became unruly when I was left in charge and, worse still, some of the boys
would start asking difficult questions.
"Have you got a girlfriend?" one of the boys, Jeffries, asked.
"Not at the moment," I replied.
"I can sort you out with a shag," he said, "if you're desperate."
"No thanks," I said, a little disturbed.
"No really," Jeffries continued, "my sister's up for it. Only cost you a fiver."
I considered pointing out how unethical this would be and how potentially
harmful such activity would be to the girl's development, but I thought it best
to keep my arguments simple. "Its not the kind of thing I do," I told him.
"Are you gay?" Jeffries asked, "Because if you are, I can sort you out with my cousin."
There were titters.
"No. I'm not gay" I said, emphatically.
"How do you know?" Jeffries asked.
"I just do," I said.
"Yes but how?" Jeffries persisted, "I mean, if you haven't tried it, how do
you know? And you not having a girlfriend or being married at your age,
eh? What does that say?"
"Ah, but I was married," I countered.
Jeffries thought about this for a few moments.
"Did she divorce you because you're gay?" he asked.
"Look, this conversation-"
"Gayboy!" Jeffries said and they all started chanting "GAYBOY! GAYBOY!
GAYBOY!"
"I'M HETEROSEXUAL ALRIGHT?" I shouted above the din, "I'M BLOODY
HETEROSEXUAL! I LOVE WOMEN! I LOVE THEIR TITS AND ARSES
AND CUNTS! I LOVE FUCKING WOMEN AND I LOVE FUCKING THEM
UP THE ARSE WHENEVER THEY LET ME!"
All the children had gone quiet and I thought I had successfully restored
order until I realised they weren't staring open-mouthed at me.
I turned around and saw the new teacher standing behind me, looking very
beautiful.
And very furious as well.