School
I applied for a job as a teacher's assistant.
The job had been vacant for over a year. It was quite a rough school and the last teacher's assistant had been run over by a stolen JCB in the playground.
In the interview, the headmaster explained about all the extensive background checks that would have to be done on me before they could offer the job. He said that they'd check with the police and the courts to make sure I wasn't a paedophile.
"You don't have any convictions or cautions for violence, do you?" he asked.
I replied that I didn't.
"Oh well," he said, "I'm sure you'll survive anyway."

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